fear

something in me makes me feel like my personality or looks or charms or whatever it is that initially attracts guys to me, slowly fades away over time. that, once they get to know me, they forget that I make them smile. they just remember that I made them angry that one random afternoon. and, to me, that one random afternoon washes away months of afternoons that ended with kisses and laughter. I feel like I have to be perfect.

there I said it.

I feel like I have to be perfect. constantly perfect. maybe it’s the product of growing up in a home based on high expectations (after all, I followed in the identical footsteps of a near-perfect sister and a family abundant with doctors and lawyers). or maybe it’s the dread of being unexpectedly dumped. whatever it is, it is ingrained in my head that I must be the absolute most perfect girlfriend. every single day.
don’t disagree. don’t be moody. don’t cry. don’t cause a fight. go out of your way. do what you can.
because if he gets a hint, even the smallest hint, that you’re not perfect, he’s going to leave you.

and this is my biggest fear.