fear

today i experienced true fear. i was sitting at the dinner table, surrounded by chaos and family. we'd ordered pizza and were enjoying a relaxing supper after an afternoon at the pool. amira was right beside me in her booster chair, happily stuffing her face wtih her own cut-up pizza. after taking a nibble of my food, i glanced in her direction. something wasn't right.
her face was red. she wasn't breathing. she was learning to the right, reaching for me, frightened. i froze. all i could do was call for my mom. mom. mom. MOM! finally everyone sprung to life. just like the old cliche, it felt like an eternity but probably last a few seconds. however, it was long enough for that image of amira to stay frozen in my mind. in the chaos, my father fussed at me for not doing something to help her. in an emotional tidal wave, i ran outside, down the street (ignoring jesse's pleas to stop and talk and my mom's yells for coco). i couldn't stop walking. i couldn't stop crying. the vision of amira, choking, not breathing, and the feeling of utter helplessness was just too much.
of course, it probably didn't help that just hours before, amira had fallen face first into the water at the baby pool. mikki jo was right in front of her, and quickly pulled her up, but still. my sweet amira was scared. and that scared me.
now i'm scared to be a mom. how do you know what to do in those situations? and how do you know you'll do them when the time comes?